


Patterns

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [159]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Smoaking billionaires, Toliver, flommy, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 23:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13557888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: While Oliver and Thea are reviewing papers belonging to their grandfather, Governor Jonas Dearden, they discover a journal belonging to Moira. The journal reveals Tommy's darkest secret.





	Patterns

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further.
> 
> This installment contains references to Tommy's abuse of alcohol and drugs, depression, and suicidal behavior in the six months after he returned from Hong Kong.
> 
> This installment is 123/159. The chronological list for the series, with hyperlinks, can be found at http://archiveofourown.org/works/11051019

 

Sleet pelted the library window and provided a sharp staccato beat to the soft crackling of the fire in the fireplace. The soft glow from the fire reflected off the stack of papers on the desk that once belonged to Oliver’s mother.

“Thanks for helping me sort through all of this,” Thea said as she sat another stack of their grandfather’s journals in front of Oliver. “I’m glad I’m not doing this alone.”

Oliver picked up the top leather-bound book and flipped through its pages looking for any personal photographs or letters. Starling City University had requested all of Governor Jonas Dearden’s papers for research at the newly named, Jonas Dearden School of Government. Oliver and Thea had agreed to turn over their grandfather’s journals and letters and were spending the day sifting through his belongings looking for anything personal that got mixed in with their grandfather’s things. They’d found love letters between his grandparents, letters from their college-aged mom to her dad, as well as lots of pictures of Oliver and Thea.  

Oliver often wondered what his grandfather would’ve thought of him if he could see the man he’d become. He was certain his grandfather would’ve disapproved of Oliver’s relationship with Tommy. His grandfather was from a time when men were men and men who slept with other men weren’t men. Oliver’s marriage to Tommy and Felicity would’ve probably have made his grandfather’s head explode. There was a lot of the public Jonas Dearden to admire, but the private man had many failings, including homophobia and keeping mistresses. When Oliver was younger, he’d blamed his own infidelities on his genetics. Between his dad and his grandfather, it had been easier to believe that he was destined to be unfaithful too. There hadn’t been any point in taking personal responsibility when the blame was encoded at his molecular level. After fourteen years of fidelity to Felicity and Tommy, Oliver knew that it had nothing to do with genetics. He wanted to be faithful to his spouses. They were everything to him and the momentary high from an illicit affair would pale in comparison to the life he’d built with his spouses. Oliver had learned many lessons from his grandfather, most importantly, he’d learned what kind of husband and father he didn’t want to be.

“I’m glad for the distraction,” Oliver admitted as he placed the journal into a box labeled for the university.

Thea looked up from the bookshelf she was clearing, “I thought Felicity was doing better. Is she all right?”

“Yeah, I think she is. She seems to be more herself. It’s really day by day, but every day is better than the day before,” Oliver said picking up another journal. “The counselor, she’s been helpful – for all three of us.”

“It’s been a tough few years for all of you,” Thea said sympathetically.

“I behaved terribly,” Oliver said, flipping through the journal. “Tommy and Felicity deserved better.”

“You were going through a tough time, Ollie. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Thea moved to sit across from him and began sorting through another stack of journals. “Tommy and Felicity love you. You have four beautiful children that adore you. You deserve happiness, big brother.”

Oliver wasn’t looking to be let off the hook. The therapist had helped him acknowledge how his behavior had been hurtful towards his spouses. He’d asked and received their forgiveness, but he was still working on forgiving himself, “I was angry with myself and I took it out on them. It wasn’t fair on them.”

“Don’t look backwards, Ollie. Start looking forward to the future – focus on that. The twins are healthy, and Felicity’s depression is lifting. You guys love one another and are better together. As long as the love is still there, you can’t give up on each other. You all fought too hard and too long to be together.” A smile turned up her lips, “You should totally apologize though, you were a bit of an ass.”

Oliver grinned, “Thanks, Speedy. You always know how to cheer me up.”

“It’s a gift,” she laughed as she placed another journal in the box.

Oliver removed an envelope from one of his grandfather’s journal and opened the letter inside. He sighed, “Here’s another letter from Maeve, asking for more money.”

Thea frowned, “I can’t remember, was Maeve his secretary or one of the maids?”

Oliver moved to the box containing letters from his grandfather’s mistresses and added it to the pile of letters they’d already discovered from Maeve earlier in the day. “She was the eighteen-year-old maid who grandma brought over from Ireland.”

“God, I hope she really was eighteen,” Thea said with a wrinkled nose. “Our grandfather was a pig. It feels hypocritical to keep all of this stuff out of his papers and only provide those that make him look noble and heroic.”

Oliver didn’t disagree with his sister. It seemed wrong to whitewash the ugly truth of his family. His parents were already going to go down in history as accomplices to the Undertaking. There was a part of him that wanted his children to have a legacy they could be proud of. The Deardens, the Queens, the Merlyns, and the Kutlers were a bunch of philanderers, murderers, and thieves. “It seems disloyal to Grandma Althea to make his affairs public. Mom said that his infidelities drove grandma to an early grave.”

“It seems even more disloyal to paint him as a saint and her as the frail neurotic wife,” Thea said bitterly. “There are too many affairs on our family tree.”

Oliver took his sister’s hand, “You and me, we’re choosing a different legacy. I want to talk with Tommy and Felicity first, but if you’re okay with it, I think we should hand over the letters from his mistresses - and the love letters grandma and grandpa wrote to each other. There was love in their marriage, once. Maybe someone who isn’t connected to us can make some sense of who they were.”

Thea squeezed his hand back, “Thank you. I’m tired of the lies.”

They sat in silence as they sorted through the stack on the desk. After about fifteen minutes, Thea held up a red journal and smiled, “It’s another of mom’s.”

Oliver looked up eagerly, “From what year?” They’d found several of their mom’s journals dating all the way back to high school. It had been fun to read their mom musing about homework and her thoughts on her first meeting with the brash and charming Robert Queen.

Thea frowned when she opened the journal, “It’s from 2009 to 2010.”

“Maybe Walter will want it,” Oliver offered without looking up from the journal he was scanning. “They started dating around then, right? Might be some happy memories for him.”

“You’re probably right,” Thea said as she leafed through the journal with a grin. “We might find something scandalous – like Walter having a tattoo on his backside.”

Oliver wrinkled his nose, “I’d rather not know anything about Walter’s backside. Maybe, you shouldn’t flip through there – it might be traumatizing.” Oliver was certain he didn’t want to know his mom’s thoughts on Walter as a lover. When Thea didn’t say anything, he looked up from the journal he was flipping through to discover Thea biting her lip. Her eyes were filling with tears and she was shaking. “What is it?” he asked with fear. He had been dreading finding evidence that proved his mom hadn’t been coerced into assisting Malcolm. “Is it about the Undertaking?”

Thea ignored him. She read for ten minutes, flipping back and forth through the pages. She made small whimpers of distress as she read. She suddenly slammed the journal closed, and looked up at him with tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’m going to kill him,” she said angrily.

“Who? Walter?” Oliver asked reaching for the journal.

“No,” her hand covered the journal, preventing Oliver from taking it, “Tommy.”

“Tommy?” Oliver pulled on the journal, but Thea held it firm. Oliver felt sick with fear, “Please, Speedy. Let go.”

“Did you know?” Thea asked, rising to her feet with the journal clutched to her chest.

“About what?” Oliver responded with a question of his own.

“About Colorado?” Her words sounded like an accusation.

“Colorado?” Oliver had no idea what Thea was talking about.

“Mom brought it up at her trial. Do you remember?” Thea asked as she paced the office. When Oliver shook his head, she continued, “Tommy wanted to testify and mom warned, they’ll bring up Colorado. At the time, I thought he’d gotten into trouble partying there. I thought maybe he’d gotten arrested and mom had made it go away.” Thea pressed the heel of her hand against her forehead, “He was in such a bad place that year. I forgot how bad he was.”

He vaguely remembered the incident Thea was talking about. Things had been so crazy with his mom’s trial and acquittal, he’d forgotten all about his mom’s cryptic words to Tommy. With a shaking hand, Oliver held out his hand for the journal, but Thea refused. He stood up and held out his hand again, “Speedy, give it to me.”

“Ollie,” she said shaking her head as her tears fell onto the leather, “maybe you shouldn’t.” Thea looked up at him, “It was such a long time ago and if he hasn’t told you – I don’t think he wants us to know. You weren’t there. You don’t know how bad it was.” She covered her mouth with her hand to stifle a sob. “I didn’t know how bad it was, and I was there. Forget I found this.”

Oliver was physically incapable of forgetting Thea’s reaction. He needed to know what had upset her. He took the red journal from Thea’s hands and sat at his mother’s desk. He placed the journal on the blotter and stared. His fingers hesitated on the cover, afraid to discover what the pages contained, afraid that he already knew the answer. He immediately flipped to the date surrounding Tommy’s appearance in Hong Kong.

Oliver started by skimming his mother’s entries. It hadn’t taken her long to realize something was wrong with Tommy. At first, she was commenting that Tommy seemed, withdrawn, sad, and quick to anger. She was worried that Malcolm had resumed his abuse. As time went on, she seemed torn between believing that Tommy’s change in behavior was tied to Oliver’s death or that Malcolm might’ve told Tommy about the Undertaking and he was being threatened into keeping his mouth closed.

Two months after Tommy went to Hong Kong, his mom made an entry about Tommy being hospitalized with alcohol poisoning and a head wound after getting into a bar brawl and then wandering down the streets of Starling calling out for Oliver. Two months after that, there was an additional hospitalization for an overdose of opioids and alcohol. His mom had circled one word that caught his eye _. Suicide?_ He kept turning the pages of his mom’s journal and her words were making him dizzy. Tommy had gone missing over Christmas in 2009 and for a week his mom had feared that they were going to receive a call that his body had been found. She expressed relief when they received a call from the embassy in Mexico informing them that Tommy had been arrested and placed in jail. Walter had paid off a Mexican government official to get Tommy released. There was mention of a third hospitalization and overdose that had his mom fearing she was about to bury a second child. His mom detailed a conversation she’d had with Laurel about Tommy hallucinating an argument with Oliver about wanting to die. After her conversation with Laurel, his mom had made contact with a psychiatric hospital in Colorado. A few days later, Tommy had been found unconscious in the alley of a club. His mom had immediately arranged to take Tommy out of town to get help.

Oliver dropped his head and squeezed his eyes closed. The final incident in the alley was new information. It hadn’t made the papers and Tommy had never mentioned it. Oliver pushed the journal away, he didn’t want to be reminded of this information. He didn’t want the reminder that his actions in Hong Kong had sent Tommy down such a dark path. When he opened his eyes, Thea was staring at him. “Tommy can never know we know found this journal,” Oliver said closing the book.

“What?” Thea asked with amazement. “He told us he only ever tried once.”

“He was behaving recklessly. He was drinking too much. Doing too many drugs,” Oliver dropped the book in the destroy pile.

“Clearly, you didn’t read far enough. He did more than swallow pills in Colorado,” Thea’s voice broke and she covered her mouth with her hand.

“What he did in Colorado?” Oliver asked with confusion. “He was fine. Mom got him help.”

Thea shook her head sharply and her eyes slid to the journal.

With a trembling hand he retrieved the journal and flipped through its pages. Thea’s fingers landed on a page and she pointed to an entry.

Oliver sat heavily on the edge of his mom’s desk. “No, no, no, no,” he mumbled as he read her words. His stomach roiled as he read about Tommy’s darkest secret. Once Tommy had sobered up in the psychiatric hospital, he could no longer hide from Oliver’s apparent death. His grief had driven him to a violent outburst that had required him to be sedated.

“I don’t know how I didn’t realize that he’d tried again. Everything about that time makes so much more sense,” Thea said with despair.

Hot tears fell from his eyes, “Please, Thea. Stop. I need to think.” Oliver couldn’t think, his thoughts were racing as he tried to process the new information. The details were fuzzy. His mom was clearly upset and her thoughts were jumbled on the page. “It wasn’t a suicide attempt. He was lashing out. He needed to find a way to let me go and lost control for a moment. It wasn’t another attempt – it wasn’t.” Oliver wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince more, himself or his little sister.

Thea stood back up and moved to the window overlooking the river and the boathouse. “Are we just going to pretend like we don’t know how close we came to losing him? Are we going to pretend like we don’t know how much pain he was in?”

Even though Thea’s questions were rhetorical, she was giving them the answer they needed. “Yes, we are. He clearly doesn’t want us to know this. He’s kept this secret for all these years and we’re going to let him keep it. It was a long time ago. He’s a different person now. Our life is different now.”

“Oliver,” Thea started.

Oliver’s hand came down on the desk, “Damn it, Thea. The holidays are coming. We can’t deal with this right now. We don’t have the bandwidth. Between Felicity and Prue, we’re barely keeping it together. I’m not going to dredge this up for him right now.”

Thea blanched at his outburst, but didn’t lower her eyes. She silently studied him for a moment before she lowered her eyes, and agreed, “Okay.”

“Promise me,” Oliver demanded. Thea could be hot-headed and he wouldn’t put it past her to bring this up in a moment of pique with Tommy.

“Ollie, I promise. I won’t ever let him know we know,” Thea pledged. “I love him. The last thing I ever want to do is bring him pain. He’s had enough in his life.”

 

It was past midnight when Oliver returned home. He silently moved through their house, checking to make sure all the doors and windows were locked. He slowly made his way upstairs, his heart heavy with the information he’d learned.

Tommy stepped out of the nursery and smiled when he saw his husband on the stairs, “Is the governor’s legacy secured?”

Oliver strode up to his husband and clasped his face between his hands. He saw the confusion in Tommy’s eyes, but he had no answers. Oliver claimed Tommy’s lips in a desperate kiss and backed him against the wall. His hips surged against Tommy’s as his hands pulled at his husband’s clothing. He needed Tommy. He needed to be reassured that Tommy was still alive.

Tommy pushed against Oliver’s chest. “Ollie,” he panted when Oliver broke their kiss. “What’s wrong?”

“I love you,” Oliver gazed into Tommy’s eyes. “I don’t say it enough. I can never say it enough to make up for the years I didn’t say it. I love you.”

“I love you,” Tommy said, searching Oliver’s face. “Has something happened?”

Oliver’s lips brushed against Tommy’s, “I need you, Tommy.”

Tommy nodded his head slightly and Oliver retook possession of his lips. Oliver steered them into their bedroom. He paused when he realized their bed was empty. “Felicity?”

“Becca had a bad dream. Felicity is sleeping with her,” Tommy informed him.

Oliver shut their bedroom door and quickly removed his clothing. Tommy stood motionless at the foot of their bed, watching Oliver with concern. Oliver pulled Tommy’s t-shirt over his head, “Nothing’s wrong. I promise.” He pushed Tommy’s pajamas over his hips and then led him to their bed.

Oliver sat down on the foot of the bed and gestured for Tommy to join him. Tommy sat beside his husband and gazed into his eyes. He ran his fingers through Oliver’s hair and smiled sadly, “Please, tell me, what’s wrong?”

A sob bubbled out from deep within Oliver’s chest. The last thing he wanted to do was fall apart in front of his husband. He dropped his head to Tommy’s shoulder and crushed him to his chest. Tommy’s cologne and the heat of his skin was comforting as Oliver wept.

Tommy had been honest with his spouses when he’d described his decline after Hong Kong. He’d shared the truth about his hospitalizations and the overdoses that had landed him there. He’d told them about his blackout in Oaxaca and ringing in the New Year without Oliver in a jail cell. Tommy had told them about the pills he’d swallowed and how he’d found the strength to bring them back up and seek help from Laurel. What Tommy hadn’t told them about was Colorado. Moira’s accounts of what had happened there were harrowing, but not any worse than the things Tommy had shared with his spouses about the months after Hong Kong. This was what frightened Oliver. There had to be something his mom hadn’t written in her journal, something too terrible for her to put down or for Tommy to confess.

Oliver’s tears stopped as suddenly as they’d come on. His hands wandered over Tommy’s back and shoulders before he sat back. He took hold of Tommy’s right arm and ran his fingertips over the flesh. Goosebumps arose in the wake of Oliver’s fingers. Oliver was looking for scars on Tommy’s arm to confirm his mom’s story about the hospital window. He could find no evidence on his right arm and switched his attention to Tommy’s left. His husband was ambidextrous and could’ve as easily thrown a punch with his left as his right. There was a white scar on Tommy’s middle knuckle that had not been there when Oliver had left on the Gambit. When he’d asked Tommy where the new scar had come from, Tommy had looked guilty before he’d replied. Tommy had told Oliver he’d received the scar when he was removing a barnacle from the hull of the Sunnybrook. Oliver had taken Tommy’s guilt to be about sailing after thinking his best friend had died at sea. He’d taken Tommy’s story at face value, but now he wondered if the scar had been received far from the ocean in a hospital in Colorado.

Oliver brought Tommy’s knuckles to his lips and he kissed the scar, “I love you.”

The look of confusion on Tommy’s face bordered on alarm, “I love you.”

Oliver wiped his eyes, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me.”

“What happened tonight?” Tommy asked before kissing Oliver’s tearstained cheek.

“It’s silly,” Oliver shook his head. “We found some letters from grandpa’s mistresses.”

Tommy’s eyes narrowed, “That’s old news, Ollie. You can’t be this upset about something that happened sixty years ago.”

“I told you it was silly,” Oliver deflected.

“No, you have to do better than that,” Tommy said placing his hand over Oliver’s heart.

Oliver looked back at his husband, “It’s just – I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you and Felicity. We came so close to losing everything and thinking about the kind of man my grandfather was – that could’ve so easily been me.”

Tommy caressed Oliver’s cheek, “You could never be old Jonas. You’d never cheat on us.”

“Not now,” Oliver agreed in theory, “but I hurt you so much when we were younger. I’m so sorry, Tommy. I’m sorry for every tear I ever made you shed because I was stupid and selfish. I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Tommy said with a sad smile. He brushed his lips against Oliver’s, “You being here with me is enough. Our life, our wife, our children – it’s enough. None of that other stuff matters anymore. We’re together. We’re a family. That’s all that matters.”

Oliver lowered the duvet on Tommy’s side of the bed and slid under the covers. He held his arm out for Tommy, who quickly laid by his husband’s side. Oliver snuggled against Tommy’s side and rested his head over Tommy’s heart. He closed his eyes and listened to the reassuring beat of Tommy’s heart. Oliver needed to push aside his fear. Tommy’s actions had been a long time ago and when he’d been under severe emotional distress. His husband was happy and healthy and warm in his arms. Oliver needed to focus on what was right in front of him and not on what he might have lost. Tommy was alive. That was all that mattered.

“It still sings to me, after all these years,” Oliver said with amazement as Tommy’s heartbeat helped to calm him.

Tommy kissed the top of Oliver’s head, “It will always sing to you.”

Oliver placed Tommy’s hand over his own heart, and promised in return, “And mine will always sing back.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. 
> 
> That was a bit of a mean tease. The full story of what happened in Colorado will be revealed in the installment dealing with the fallout from Tommy's memory wipe.
> 
> I'm not sure what is up next.
> 
> Prompts are encouraged.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. I'm always happy to answer questions about this verse or anything else Arrow. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com


End file.
